| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|08:06 am] |
Wrap your arms around me,
Hold me close to your breast.
tear the world away from
keep me away from the all
the pain is just to much.
oh darkness hold me
take me away from here
end this pain today
and take me from here
my life is your's
do as you please.
just make it all end
and hold me in your arms |
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| A long needed weekend |
[Nov. 15th, 2004|08:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The sound of goodbye -extended mix | ] |
So this weekend was wonderful, I am actually in a good mood on a monday. Ohhhh I sence that someone got laid, why yes, yes i did. Just what the doctor ordered. I know I know, NSA sex doesn't fill a void, I know this, I didn't want a void filled, i just wanted some pure animalistic thoughtless sex, and I got it and it feels wonderful. Other than the great sex I had two football games, My team lost both, but oh well, I had fun, let out alot of pent up agression and just let myself go. So today I start my attempts to put weight back on, well lean weight that is, Since leaving my ship I have managed to get back down to my normal weight and all, so now it is time to bulk up a bit, make myself feel better and look better. Maybe I'll throw some pictures up here to show off my changes as tehy are made, but who wants to see that? lol, probably not many.
So I come into work on a monday morning with a bounce in my step, everything here is falling apart, but I don't care. I just am content and pleased. About damn time. |
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| just sick of it |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|01:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Unwell - Matchbox 20 | ] |
So have you ever noticed how one thing can bring your day down to shit? It's interesting how some people are so easily influenced from outside forces, yet others can remain cold or happy at all times. Supposidly I was once the battery of energy for people, but I guess I'm out of juice or to easily affected by electrical storms.
Something needs to be done. I need to find myself. I feel that I am, but at the same time I feel that I am falling deeper into a hole and that I am dying away. Sometimes I am unsure of who I am, other times i know so well. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. So what do I do, I can do what most american's do pay needless money to a shrink so they can put me on some mind altering drug and listen to me with out providing any feedback. Sure they go to school to learn how to analyze the human thought process and behavior. But think about it, a shrink is till a person who is still influenced an prone to error. So why trust them? Well I think most people do because it will make them feel as though they are treating there problems. What happened to the day's when a shrink was the bartender at your favorite pub? oh wait, that now makes you an alcoholic. Christ for everything you do or think there is some kind of deasise associated with it. Does anyone else feel this way?
I can tell you what i need. I need no strings attached, hard, crazy, sweaty sex. I need to feel a physical bond between me and someone else that will have no impact on anything else in life but to get off. lol, Now that makes me a sex addict or a nympho, you choose. |
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| It's been a while |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|10:06 am] |
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It has been awhile, Not that many people are reading this yet, but i've been putting my life together lately, trying to make myself better. So far it is working, I'm feeling better about myself and getting my self back in tact. I've been inspired lately and may start writing more stories, Hopefully that will come about. Untill then I'm gonna run off. work has been consuming my days. |
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| mass confusion |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|12:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
How is that one person can change so much, I mean go from one extreme to the other. How can a person that is so loving, warm, funny, outgoing, excited and enjoyable. Become cold, heartless, anti-social and completly discontent with life and everything? I don't understand how it all works, all I know is this person is not who she was. I don't even know her anymore. Every word that comes from her lips is spiteful, cruel, said with the intent to hurt. Wants nothing to do with anyone, yet bitches and screams that there are no friends. I'm becomming cold, because of her, but only towards her. I'm filling my soul with hate and disgust of her. She has become the symbol of the cold truth of love, that it is just an illusion, something to occupy the mind untill reality sets in. Then you see it in its true form. A cold, wretched soul that will devour you the instant it see's your week enough.
I still want to believe in love, but I can't find the strength to anymore. I want to believe that people are worth the trouble of getting to know and to break down the barriers that seperate us, but i can't anymore. Because everytime i get those barriers away i learn that i have been burnt, used, and broken. I'm mearly a shadow of who i was, the peices that where me have been scattered for so long i'll never find them all. So what is left of me? Unsure right now, hopefully i'll find who i am now. |
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| another day has come through |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|09:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | roger sacheaz, another rchance | ] |
So it is another day, Lunch hour is approaching soon. One of the few things that I have that I can look foward to. So right now I'm just kicking back and enjoying the simple time that i have that is quite, nothing going on, and just mellow. It's strange, being surrounded by people yet completly isolated. I used to be very out going and easy at making friends. But now I have become somewhat withdrawn. I have no on to talk to. No on that I can go to with my problems and say hey, this is whats going on. I'm on my own, surrounded by people yet compeltely isolated. Very confusing. Life is full of strange twists and turns. Hopefully things will get back on the up soon. This rollercoster is getting old and I'm not seeing the fun anymore. |
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| The first entry |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|10:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Elvis Costello: When I Was Cruel | ] |
First Entry in what may become a huge journal or nothing at all. It is simply set up for me to rant and rave, What other purpose is there to writing down the daily events of one's life. Unless of course they are an attention deprived soul that is crying out for attention. Not sure yet what category I am going to throw myself under.
So to start of I'll explain what I can about me. I'm irony, My life is ironic in so many ways. but isnt everyones? Here I am, a man, a child all in one, an artist, an actor, a peacemaker, yet I find myself serving the military, a slave to the cause, whatever the cause is for the day. I'm a great father, an amazing lover, but a horrible husband. I am dying inside because the woman I love and have dedicated my life too despises me and hates me. I am the reason her life is on stop, my coming into her life and her falling in love with my childish charm has ruined her life. So who do I blame, well me of course, why not? I was the one that did come into her life and had to have her. I was the one that seduced her. So naturally it is my fault. But then again It is her fault. She fell in love with me as well at the time, she gave up her life to be with me, and now she regrets that choice. Why because responsibility is not something she wishes to accept and I'm stuck fighting the child with in me, fighting that poor soul down so that the adult in me can be responsible and take care of a family of a child and a wife that has given up on life.
So here I sit, on the edge, contemplating all that is around, feeling parts of me dying, while anger and hatred fill those voids. Slowly eating me alive, I'm not sure who I am anymore, not sure of the things that were or will be. That is the way of me, That is the ironic way of my life. I will go back to being the artist with no inspiration, I will be the actor with no audience. I will be the solider that carries a flag of peace. I will confuse the masses and throw myself at the chaos of this world that has given birth to it's bastard. |
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